how to hold space
What Does it Mean to Hold Space and How Do We Do It?
The definition of holding space is the intentional effort to connect with, be with, and deeply support someone through an intense or difficult experience. But what does holding space actually mean? To understand the meaning of holding space, we must explore what it looks like to hold space for someone through a challenging emotional experience which includes looking at what qualities make for an expansive experience of space holding and which do not. By the end of this blog, we will break down a few key takeaways that will immediately help to improve your space-holding capacity.
What are the Benefits of Holding Space?
When done correctly, holding space can allow the people we hold space for to shift old limiting emotions, patterns, and beliefs with great tenderness. This can result in the following:
Deep healing and airing of unprocessed emotions.
Recognition and acceptance of the more tender and unintegrated aspects of the self.
Strengthening of trust and connection, deepening relationships.
Co-regulation and balancing of the nervous system with one another.
Clarity and trust in oneself to work through tough emotions.
A sense of belonging and trust in another person's ability to provide support during challenging experiences.
The Different Ways You Can “Hold Space”
There are the more obvious ways in which we might be called to hold space and more nuanced ways that might be a little less obvious. Either way, the main goal is never to solve the other person’s problem, but instead to support, be with, and empower them to learn their own lessons. It’s like the old saying goes, “Give someone a fish and they eat for a day, teach someone to fish and they eat for life”. It’s an important skill to resolve these parts within ourselves, however having someone hold space for this process creates safety and support in doing so. No human on this earth is exempt from the process of evolution and learning lessons, and within each and every one of us lives an array of trapped or unintegrated emotions that can hold immense and intimidating charges. The reality is we never know when these trapped emotions may trigger a reaction. Treating every reaction as an opportunity to lean in with curiosity and the intention to better understand ourselves and each other, is a good approach to embody as a space holder.
Here are a few ways in which we might be called to hold space:
In a Therapeutic Setting - When we work with people, we are constantly holding space for them in a very obvious way, as it is part of the therapeutic process.
In Sacred Settings - Here at Alchemia, we are holding space in our retreats and ceremonies.
In a Relationship - Whether for our partners, friends or family members, holding space can be as simple as being a good listener, or knowing when to give people time to work through their own issues.
In Relationship with Ourselves - Fostering the qualities for holding space for someone else ultimately comes back to whether we can do it for ourselves first, this is an important skill to practice.
The Collective - Holding space for the world at large, in all of its chaos.
Traits to Embody When Holding Space
When holding space for someone or ourselves, it is crucial to remember the goal is not to solve the other person's problems or to make ourselves comfortable, but to allow them to go through their process in a safe space. What do we mean by “make ourselves comfortable”? As humans, we often try to avoid intense or uncomfortable feelings by quickly solving problems. It’s essential when we are holding space for people that we understand that their process may be triggering our own emotions, so we can stay intentional and aware of our boundaries and responsibilities as space holders. What does this look like “in the moment”, what are some practices or traits that we can embody as space holders, and what are some things to avoid?
5 Things To EMBODY When Holding Space:
Mirroring: Reflecting back what the person has said, such as "I hear that you’re really nervous," creates a sense of validation and acknowledgment during a challenging experience.
Undivided Attention: Giving our complete attention shows the person that they matter and are worth our time and support. This can look like active listening, maintaining eye contact, and open body language.
Patience: Not rushing a process or projecting our own timelines into someone else's experience. There is no right or wrong way to process things, and everything happens in its own time.
Empathy: Connecting deeply with someone and their experiences allows us to journey with them through their process, providing profound support and understanding in their vulnerable state.
Sacredness - Creating a safe confidential space can be one of the most profound ways to foster trust and show the individual our commitment to support them in their process.
5 Things To AVOID When Holding Space:
Stealing the Show: Giving unsolicited advice, having dramatic reactions, or minimizing their experience can take away from the main goal, to empower individuals on their journey to a deeper sense of understanding.
Being Judgmental: When we judge someone’s experience as “good or bad” we are holding them to a standard that stems from our own belief systems and no longer allows us to show up with compassion.
Projection: When we get triggered while holding space we can often project our own stories, wounds and experiences onto the people we are holding space for.
Being Distracted: If we can’t show up and be fully present, it's better not to hold space. As people, we so often get told that our emotional process is not important, and it’s easy to perpetuate that wound by being distracted in the space-holding role.
Gossiping: Holding space for people is a vulnerable process. When we betray that trust by gossiping about what comes up in the sacred space we hold, we are betraying a trust that can rarely be repaired.
Holding space can be a profound experience for all involved, though it involves many intricate elements that need careful navigation, especially if it's not a skill we're accustomed to. Patience with ourselves will help us foster these skills and deepen connections in our lives. So what’s the takeaway? If you intentionally foster and cultivate the skills we’ve discussed in this blog, you will be well on your way to not only improving your space-holding capacity but also your ability to regulate and hold space for your own emotions. If you are seeking a deeper understanding and continued learning in these areas, we highly recommend seeking support from professionals and trained individuals.
If you want more from Alchemia, tune into our podcast where Alana and Melanie dive deeper into their own experiences, insights and structures for space holding.
